please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
