i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
