Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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