my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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