Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
