I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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