I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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