nut hugger
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
