I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
