I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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