Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
worst night to have a conscience
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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