she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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