I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
