I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
