Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
