party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
