Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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