I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
