apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
