took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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