Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
