I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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