Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
