after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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