I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
