She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
