I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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