wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
