I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
