Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
