I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
