I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think I am morally bankrupt
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
