As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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