i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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