I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
