She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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