I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
