Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
