i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
