you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
