I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My ATM looks so different sober.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
