We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
