I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have aggressive nipples.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
