Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
