I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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