you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
