Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
