I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
