saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
