I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
