I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
